When it comes to conflict, most of us have a default approach: we either tend to avoid it or seek it out. The avoiders among us shy away from disagreements, value harmony and positive relationships, and will often try to placate people or even change the topic. Avoiders don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or disrupt team dynamics. Seekers (and I’m one of them!) seem eager to engage in disagreements. They tend to care about directness and honesty, lose their patience when others aren’t being equally direct, and don’t mind ruffling feathers.
Neither style is better or worse, and your default style is probably due to several factors: your past experiences with conflict, the conventions of the culture you’re from or work in, the organizational context, and even gender norms. And while each of us generally has a preferred approach, it’s rare for a person to avoid or seek out conflict all the time. More likely, you adjust your style based on the context, with whom you’re having the conflict, and other things going on in your office. For example, you might be a seeker with your mom and an avoider with your boss.
Still, it’s useful to know what your natural tendency is and, when you get into a conflict with someone else, to put some thought into the other person’s style. If you’re a seeker and the other person is an avoider, how should you handle the situation? And is all hope of reaching a resolution lost if you’re both avoiders?
YOU AND YOUR TEAM SERIES
Conflict
Knowing how the other person typically reacts in a tense situation is useful information. So assess your coworker’s style, if you’re not already familiar with it. Consider whom you’re dealing with. How does he typically communicate and how does he prefer to be communicated with? Is she more of a straight shooter who tells it like it is, or does she tend to beat around the bush? If you frequently work with the person you’re having the conflict with, you may already be familiar with their style. If you rarely interact with the person, you’ll have to do some digging. It may be that you’re fighting with an overseas colleague whom you see in person only at annual meetings, or your conflict may be with a manager in a different department who sits in another building. It’s best to know something about the person rather than fighting in a vacuum.
Here are a few ways to assess the other person’s style:
Look for patterns. Whether or not you know your counterpart well, play the role of observer. Ho do they handle a tense discussion in a meeting? What’s the look on their face when other people are disagreeing? Do they like people to cut to the chase and lay out just the facts or do they want the complete picture with every gory detail? What have you observed about their communication style?
Get input from others. You might ask a colleague or two for input into your coworker’s personality. Don’t go around grilling others about them, but ask people to confirm or deny your own observations. Say something like, “I noticed Jim flew off the handle in that meeting. Is that typical?” or “I saw Katerina avoid engaging with Tomas when he questioned whether her figures were right. Did you see the same thing?” Obviously, you have to trust the person you’re asking — you don’t want your colleague to find out you’re snooping on them.
Ask directly. It’s not always advisable to come out and ask: “How do you like to address conflict?” That can be awkward — and few people will be prepared to answer the question. Instead, share your own preferences as a way to start the conversation: “You might have noticed that I don’t shy away from arguments, and don’t like to beat around the bush.” You could also share tactful observations about what you’ve noticed about your counterpart. “Based on how you responded to Corinne’s questioning in this morning’s meeting, it seems as if you prefer to steer away from conflict. Is that right?”
Once you have a good sense of their style, you can make a more informed choice about how to handle the disagreement. You’ll want to consider how your styles interact. If you’re both seekers, can you expect an all-out brawl? If you’re both avoiders, should you forget the idea of directly addressing the conflict? Let’s go through each of the possible pairings and look at what typically happens and how you can best approach the situation:
You’re both avoiders
What typically happens:
- Both of you lean toward doing nothing.
- You may tamp down feelings that could explode later on.
What to do:
- One of you needs to take the lead.
- Say directly, “I know neither of us likes conflict, but instead of ignoring the problem, what can we do about it?”
- Do your best to draw the other person out in a sensitive, thoughtful way.
- If things get tough, don’t shy away. You’ll need to fight your natural instinct in this case.
You’re both seekers
What typically happens:
- Neither of you is afraid to say what’s on your mind.
- The discussion can easily turn contentious.
- In the heat of the moment, you might end up saying things you don’t actually believe.
- You both feel disrespected.
What to do:
- Since you’ll both be eager to address the situation, take extra time to prepare for the conversation.
- Know that you’re likely to feel impatient, and schedule your discussion in a way that allows you both to take breaks.
- Be ready — things may get heated. Suggest a coffee break or a walk or a change of scenery to help even out emotions.
You’re a seeker and your counterpart is an avoider
What typically happens:
- You tend to bulldoze your counterpart into agreeing with you.
- Your counterpart may act passive aggressively to get their point across.
What to do:
- Ask the person to participate actively in the conversation — not hide their opinions.
- Don’t be a bully.
- Be patient with the pace of the conversation.
You’re an avoider and they’re a seeker
What typically happens:
- You might be tempted to play the role of “good guy” and go along with what your counterpart wants.
- You might get trampled by your counterpart’s requests.
What to do:
- Explicitly ask for what you need: “To have a productive conversation, I need you to be patient with me and watch the tone and volume of your voice.”
- Earn the seeker’s respect by being direct and to the point.
- Don’t signal disrespect, which is likely to set off the seeker.
Whatever your situation, remember that your goal is to ultimately solve the conflict, not judge someone’s style. Avoid saying something like, “We’ve got a problem here because it seems as if you don’t know how to discuss difficult issues.” Instead, have compassion for the other person — and yourself — and take into account what you know about both of your tendencies to navigate the situation thoughtfully and carefully.
Amy Gallo is a contributing editor at Harvard Business Review and the author of the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict at Work. She writes and speaks about workplace dynamics. Follow her on Twitter at @amyegallo.
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